She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
