I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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