i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
