It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
