I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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