We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
