I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
