Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
