Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
