It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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