You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
