Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
