Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
