she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
