2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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