so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
