guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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