a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
