your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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