I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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