Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
