i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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