Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
And my parents said I crawled through the house
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
