I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize