I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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