shes about as inviting as chlamydia
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
