I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
