if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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