Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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