Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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