hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
