i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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