my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
