omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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