I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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