Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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