Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Randomize
