You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
