dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I still have a little drunk in my system
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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