My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
