Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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