a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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