Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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