I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
