we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
