lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
