At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
