he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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