from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
