I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
