I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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