Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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